Why am I here?

If I end up hating my college years, it will be a debt I pay for the rest of my life.

There is a building on this campus. In that building is an auditorium, with some wood text above the stage that reads, "Why come ye here?"

Fuck if I know.

It is certainly worth asking. What is a communist atheist doing at a conservative christian institution? Especially one in the south, when this particular communist HATES warm weather. What the fuck is he doing there?

The answer isn't very simple. There are a number of things that contributed to me sentencing myself to this hell. You will read later that it really wasn't a self-imposed sentence. At least not entirely. I can humbly admit that I made a very foolish mistake in choosing this institution. I encourage all of the college-bound high schoolers out there to not come within one hundred yards of the campus. Ever. I don't care if you're the poorest student on earth. There is federal and state aid out there for you. Obama plans to make FAFSAs easier to fill out. THERE ARE BETTER WAYS, people!

So, here are the reasons why I am trapped in this hell hole:

1. I was duped by the road show. The college put on a very good show for me when I was still looking around, as a naive high school student, at different campuses. It is worth noting that I made the extremely foolish mistake of not checking out other campuses. I had a few colleges in mind, but this one was the only one I actually toured. There were some external factors contributing to this, and I will explain those later.
2. At the time, I was a fairly devout christian. I was a liberal, but a christian. I liked the idea of being surrounded by other christians (little did I know that such a thing is a living nightmare).
3. Pressure. This was perhaps the greatest influence of me attending this institution. Nearly all of my relatives want me to be here. They don't want me to have to pay off student loans after I graduate, which is understandable. However, if I end up hating my college years, it will be a debt I pay for the rest of my life. I will have to live my life knowing my college years were four years of hell. I would rather pay off student loans. I could actually have most of my tuition paid off at any state university with federal and state aid, according to my SAR.
   
   My mom and my grandmother have been harping at me to stay at this hell since I started to really hate it last semester. I swear, this college could instate a rule that says all male students have to have their balls chopped off, and my grandmother would say, "Well... you don't need your testicles that bad, do you?" I wouldn't be surprised at all. Any time I've mentioned transferring to another school they get very defensive. I told my mom that if I win the lottery my ass is going somewhere else, and she just asks "Why?" in spite of me having told her that I think this place is a shithole who knows how many times. She just tells me, "Oh, it's a good school" and all that nonsense. The truth is, most businesses outside the Midwest don't even know this place exists.
   
   My grandparents took me to this campus when I was a high school senior (with the obvious motive of convincing me to go here). They spent most of the tour pointing out all the "nice things" about the campus. It was a regular festival of bullshit.
   
   I do have one supportive relative though, and that is my aunt. She is currently the only relative I have who knows I'm not a christian, and is in college herself. She has told me that, from the accounts of this hell I've given her, that she could not survive in a place like this. She would not blame me for transferring.

I kick myself in the ass to this day for ever setting foot on this campus. I wish I never applied to go here. I seriously do. I always ask myself what the hell I was thinking. It's easily one of the most foolish mistakes I've made in my lifetime. I get one life, and four years of it will be consumed by this ship of rats.

I had something lined up at this place up north. There were scholarships available. I had the government aid to do it, and I turned it down like a fool. I can't believe it. I now make it a point to tell as many college-bound students as I can to STAY AWAY. I don't want to see people making this mistake.

There is a chance I can escape after next year. I know a place up north I'd go to. WAY up north, close to Iowa. My ideal weather (well, Maine or Minnesota is more ideal for me, but it's certainly better than shitty south Missouri). If I can get the financial aid again, and maybe some private scholarships, I might be able to pull it off. I hope so. I've got one life. It's got VALUE. If something in it sucks, I need to fucking change it! That's part of being a human.

-Matt